Teen Age flirting, love affairs, love and friendship:
“Why am I getting strange feelings about Rahul, the boy next door? But I like to talk Abhay also and I like Ritesh too!!! What to do? I am really confused ”
“ How cute is Shruti !! Shruti’s image is in my mind all the while…! I can’t forget her at all !! I like her very very much !!!”
“Romantic scenes in the movies or films on television, rush the blood flow in me.”
“I am unable to concentrate on my studies. The image of yesterday’s photo is on my mind all the while.”
Are you familiar with these remarks? Just check with yourself. Do you also feel something like this, at some point of time? The buzzing thoughts in your mind don’t let you concentrate on anything. Sometimes, you are confused about these thoughts and don’t know whom to talk to about it. Sometimes, you even feel guilty due to these thoughts, as if you are committing some crime.
Hormonal changes in your brain create attraction for the person of the opposite sex. This is a very common and natural reaction in adolescent children. The impact of friends and peers is very high at this age. The trend of having a girlfriend or a boyfriend is a good example of this.
The trends like Friendships Day, Valentine’s Day, Rose Day, college gatherings, and going to clubs, night outs at friend’s home, rave parties etc. are a part of this age. It gives rise to looking for temporary ‘partners’. Things like going to restaurants and coffee shops with friends, watching movies, chatting for hours on face book, mobiles and attraction of film stars is very common at this age. Television serials, films and music add extra spice to it. All these things make you believe in the concept of ‘love at first sight’. Flirting with someone to make someone else jealous is also a part of the game. Whoever does not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend becomes very old fashioned. The main and important thing in this entire journey is whether you develop a true emotional bonding in this process or not.
All these things have an effect on studies and that becomes a bone of contention in the family. You can’t take it and can’t even leave it either. You feel that nobody understands your feelings and problems at home and so you start looking for support in the outside world. Tremendous curiosity about sex makes you unstable. Every other friend tells you a different story about sex. There is no question of asking about it to your parents! So you start searching for the answers through blue films, porn sites, magazines, books etc. You want to get all the detailed scientific information about sex. The teachers and parents should understand it and children should also understand that the scientific information cannot be collected from all these abovementioned mediums. They can only increase your confusion, fear, miss-concepts and lead to a chaos of thoughts.
The physical attraction (for the opposite or sometimes the same sex) is a natural and beautiful physical process which cannot be controlled. This can happen anytime, with anybody and anywhere and with any age group. But at the same time, it is very important to awear of your feelings and you should understand the difference between flirting, love affairs, friendship and real love.
Fifteen year old Shraddha was an eleventh standard college student. Along with her physical beauty, she knew the tact of maintaining foppishness. Yash was seventeen years old. Shraddha got attracted to Yash as he tried to be friendly with her. It led to a journey of chatting, teasing by friends in the group, secret meetings, going for coffee at CCD or barista etc. This continued for a year or two and then her parents came to know about it. All these things adversely affected Shraddha’s marks in her exams and so her parents warned her not to meet Yash again.
Shraddha had an inferiority complex about her studies and academic performance. She felt that in academics only good marks are the parameter for intelligence and success in future career. As she was not good in academic performance, she felt that she could attract boys with her physical beauty. So when Yash tried to be friendly with her, she immediately responded and got involved with him. But when her parents got to know about it, her mother convinced her that he was not suitable for her as he was from a lower caste. She also felt the same and discontinued contact with him. After that, she got involved with Mithilesh who was her teacher in the computer class. She then started chatting with him and enjoying his company. She had a guilty feeling about hurting Yash but at the same time, she liked the Mithilesh’s company too. It distracted her attention from studies. She started wondering about her feelings for Yash and Mithilesh and got confused about the entire dilemma. She was unable to understand why she had so much of attraction for boys. Why couldn’t she concentrate on studies? How long will these things continue? How will she get married? Will she get a suitable life partner? She was feeling guilty about her feelings for boys but was unable to avoid them and was wondering about what to do about them. Hundreds of questions arose in her mind. She tried to discuss these things with her friends but nobody entertained her, so she was frustrated.
She lost her parents’ faith. She stayed at home, discontinued contact with Mithilesh and was in deep pain. Her classmate, Bipin, helped her to get out of the situation and so she got attracted to him. They started chatting, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. The burden of his favors didn’t let her refuse his demand for a physical relationship. But after a certain period, she got bored with his company. During this period, she got attracted to a newcomer in the college, named Parth. He was very handsome and participated in all the activities in college. She got impressed by him and tried to influence him with her beauty. He knew her affair with Bipin and so initially he just ignored her. But this led to break up between Shraddha and Bipin and she desperately started attracting Parth, as she felt that this is the ‘Mr. Right’ for her. And one more episode started….
What is the moral of the abovementioned story?
Shraddha was not good at studies and so she had an inferiority complex about it and this was the main reason for her to get attracted to boys. Physical attraction was the main thing in this journey, which she felt for Mithilesh after Yash. He praised her a little and got physically close to her which helped her reduce her inferiority complex; but this also gave rise to a feeling of decisiveness. When her relationship with Yash and Mithilesh got over, that time also she felt that she deceived them. This gave rise to her struggle with ‘herself’. She felt that whatever attraction she feels about boys is only sexual because how a person can truly ‘love’ so many people.
So, moral of this story is when you give unreasonable importance to a person’s physical image and get emotionally involved in him or her, it distracts your mind from many other important things. All the while, you get engrossed in the thoughts of that person’s body and things related to that.
E.g. Pairing of boys and girls in the school or teasing can also give rise to this attraction. This can change the behavior of girls and boys towards each other and this can also change their behavior at home or school. This may also lead to a wrong path as they don’t have the right scientific information about it.
We have seen the aftereffects of this process. Later, we will discuss about the psychology behind it.
Keep in mind that the physical attraction may gets matured only in adulthood. That is the proper age to understand its need, its importance and the right way of expression because at that time, the base is of sheer love and the physical attraction is just a part of it!
So even if you feel like flirting in adolescent age, it doesn’t have the base of pure and real love and therefore is not matured enough. Sometimes, you are unaware of the fact that your attraction is just physical or sexual, which gives rise to the habit of flirting. Let’s see an example of a love letter written by a boy of your age .
What is this yar?! Your face keeps coming to my mind all the time. All the while I am thinking about your beautiful eyes, rosy lips! Hey… you’ve got such magnetic lips. All the while I can feel their touch. I’m thinking about you and only you 24X7. The magic of your kiss is amazing. I never felt so about anybody. I’m really involved in you. My heart starts pumping with jet speed at just one glance of yours! I just forget the world while chatting with you! You were looking hot and sexy on rose day. I felt like…! The pink top shows your perfect figure. I feel like you are Deepika Padukon and I’m Ranbeer… oh gosh!
Hey, your friend Sayali is also too hot yar! You never introduced me to her. Get her to CCD day after tomorrow. Hey just to introduce yar, nothing else. She is studying MBA; so I just wanted to take some guidance from her.
Let’s go for a movie tomorrow afternoon followed by a long ride on my bike. Then we will go to Macdee… Let’s just freak out. But it’s a secret; don’t disclose it to anyone, especially Yogesh. He thinks that he is very smart, was trying to impress everyone with his car and all! His girlfriend Payal is very sexy, isn’t it? But I hate both of them. He was staring at you. Bad guy! Don’t even tell Vaishali and Nirmiti. Both of them are madly following me.
Hey, the other day you got annoyed without any reason. I and Mugdha were discussing a serious matter. She had a problem and was crying and so I held her hand to give her sympathy, nothing else. I’m always yours. Ok? So let’s enjoy the movie at Ad Labs tomorrow. There are special chairs to give a romantic feel. See you at CCD in the afternoon tomorrow. Take care, sweet dreams, sweet kiss baby..!
Characteristics of Flirting:
- Physical closeness is the main priority.
- Temptation of physical closeness with one or more persons; main attraction is purely sexual.
- Attraction is about genital and sexual organs.
- Emotional involvement is very less.
- The lust part is very intense.
- The need of physical closeness is just to satisfy the urge of the time.
- The craze of physical attraction is on top of the mind. Understanding about other person’s emotions is very less.
- The person may physically get involved even with more than one person. The involvement can be one-sided.
This physical attraction gives rise to some inappropriate things.
Eve teasing/manipulation – Friends, as mentioned before, even if the attraction for girls is natural, still we find that the behavior is more perverted than friendly. Eve teasing or manipulation of girls on the road is a very common thing. If the teasing is just for fun and harmless and upto a certain limit, nothing is wrong in that. But if it crosses the limit and seriously affects both the parties, it is a legal offence. Saying vulgar words or sentences, whistling, winking and scuffling in the crowd, these are some types of manipulation.
So there is no valor or manhood in manipulating girls. A gentleman will always fight to stop such behavior. So if you are from the same community, you are the one who can stop it. Unless and until you don’t respect girls, these things are not going to change. It is very important to think on this serious issue and act according to that.
There are some reasons behind this manipulation. We have a male dominating society which gives rise to the superiority complex of men. The upbringing of some boys is pervert, some have pervert mentality, some people disrespect women. Other reasons are unemployment, bad effects of media, wrong ways of making friendship etc. All these concepts should be changed. The change is expected from the youths, as they only can do it.
Sexual abuse / Rape/ Bulling – You cannot even imagine till what extent the girls face sexual abuse from elder boys or elder people. Younger girls face more harassment. It can be from pressing the bosoms to actual sexual intercourse. Many a times, these people are from the family itself like uncles, elder cousins etc. This sexual abuse starts from pinching, tapping, hugging, kissing etc. As the men are close family members, the girl cannot tell it to anybody and nobody doubts them. On the contrary, the girls feel ashamed and guilty to tell about it. They start hating themselves and don’t disclose it to anybody. Our society gives too much importance to a girl’s chastity. But girls should not hide it. They should tell it to their parents or elders. Even the elders or parents should not blame the girl. Instead, they should give her psychological support and guidance as she is not at all guilty in these matters.
Even boys face similar problems but those matters also never open up. The parents should be alert about these things and should make children aware. An open and frank atmosphere in the family is very important for the trust factor. Children should be taught to learn about the good touch and the bad touch.
Sajid got elected in the college elections and suddenly came into lime light. He became famous in his friend circle and even in the girls’ group, he was the main topic of talk. Smart, intelligent and beautiful Tasnim was one of them. Friends started pairing them and Sajid directly proposed her. She was already impressed with his name & fame and so eagerly accepted his proposal. In due course of time, expected activities of a typical love affair began! They became the talk of the town; everybody in the college was talking about them. Bunking lectures to spend time with each other was a routine for them. It was exam season and so everybody got engrossed in studies. Intelligent Tasnim concentrated on studies but Sajid was not so good in studies and couldn’t concentrate. Results were out within two months after the semester exams. As expected, Sajid failed in two subjects and Tasnim got second rank in the class. It was easy to differentiate their intelligence levels. In between, both the families also got the news about their love affair. Tasnim’s parents warned her to stop it immediately as it was not at all in her favor. By the time, even she was clear about Sajid’s intelligence level.
In the meantime, Harsh from her class was behind her and she got attracted to him. Sajid got disturbed with the news and tried to change her mind by entreating her. Now Tasnim was forced to rethink about her feelings about him and realized that it was difficult for her to imagine Sajid as her life partner. He was not at all serious about his career and future; he even had an addiction of eating ‘Gutkha’. Tasnim discontinued her relationship with Sajid.
Now you must have understood the difference between love affair and real love.
We frequently use the words like ‘love affair and love’. These things start in college and get over by the end of the academic course. The main reason behind the affairs in school and college is peer group influence.
“You pair very well with her..!”
“She suits you, why don’t you think seriously about her?”
These are casual remarks in college chats. Pairing, temporary partners for the Rose Day or Valentine’s Day give a boost to an affair that rarely continues. Most of the times, they are only for enjoyment but the person who is emotionally involved suffers very badly.
Many time, these affairs take place in school; just to maintain the self image. It’s a status symbol of the generation to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Sometimes, the number of affairs is a matter of pride. But a serious thought is very important while choosing genuine love or a real partner for life. There is no emotional involvement in these relationships. In many cases, priority is given to physical attraction. Even if it’s not the case, still both the parties start dreaming about a future life with each other. These are just castles in the air and so are called ‘day dreams’.
Characteristics of a love affair:
1) It can happen casually, just for fashion.
2) This can happen due to infatuation and is continued for the sake of sexual attraction only.
3) Any stupid reason can break the relationship. (E.g. not sending SMS or sending some wrong SMS, not giving importance to a particular friend or group etc.) Chances of turning it into any long term relationship are remote.
4) It may last for 1 or 2 yrs. Emotional involvement of one person can become burdensome for the other person and can lead to a breakup of the relationship.
5) A person may get attracted to someone else even while being in a relationship; that can break the initial relationship.
6) This may happen just for the sake of show off or to make someone jealous or just to get a partner for a certain occasion etc.
You must be clear now that love affairs may or may not be loyal. (One person may have multiple affairs also.) As the feelings are for a shorter period, all the love affairs don’t end up in marriage.
Some other reasons behind discontinuation of love affairs are religion, ego, lack of emotional ties, sudden disinterest in physical attraction, opposition from the family etc. These are the things that may or may not affect your future.
Just go through this letter written by a youth –
This is my first love letter so please don’t get annoyed. I’m unable to express my feelings and will try to express them through this letter.
We know each other for almost a year. Initially, I felt that you dislike me but I got to know that you don’t like my teasing in your friends’ presence. Now, I got it! Even your friend Karishma teased me but did I ever mind it. It’s uncontrollable for me now. I am mad about you. There is nothing between me and Rita; she is a flirt. I am sorry to hurt you. You are the perfect choice for me. You are very sweet in behavior and treat me nicely; I like that. I will not think about anybody other than you. My mind is always roaring with thoughts but I know it is better to ignore them. I’m going to enjoy my life with you only. My previous enjoyment was wrong. Now I’ve found my true love! I’m sure you will accept my love. I can’t live without you. I promise you that I will be honest to you. Eagerly waiting for your reply.
Ayush was an eighth standard active student in the school badminton team. He was very good at studies and was fond of music also. Being in the same school since beginning, he was comfortable and friendly with all the friends and teachers. With this group of friends, he was enjoying the school life thoroughly. They studied together and were familiar with each others’ family. Sayali was also part of the group. She was fond of trekking and was very intelligent. Ayush had some special feelings for her. They used to eat their tiffin together; going to birthday parties and studying together was a part of their routine. All of a sudden, Ayush felt that he enjoys Sayali’s company more than others. He used to care for her and helped her in studies. In the process, the school life got over and everyone was dreaming about the colourful college life. Ayush was eager to continue Sayali’s company in college but never mentioned it to her. In junior college, both of them took admissions in different colleges but still the whole group was in regular contact with each other. Ayush, Sayali and two of their group members came together in the same senior college. By that time, Ayush was more clear about his feelings for Sayali. Now he wanted Sayali as a life partner. He never had these feelings about anybody else throughout the college life. He got a graduation degree and felt like expressing his feelings to Sayali. Sayali was surprised to know that he secretly had these feelings since the eighth standard but never expressed them as he wanted to express them at the right time. If he had expressed it earlier, it could have taken a wrong turn as he himself was not sure about his feelings of ‘love’ for her. She was surprised about his mature thinking but still took almost four months to accept the proposal. Both of them gave sufficient time to know each other. There was no pressure of any kind from either side. After getting jobs, both of them started their career. Sayali’s parents started looking for a bridegroom for her. Initially, Sayali didn’t mention anything about Ayush. But during the process of match making, she felt that Ayush will be a perfect match for her as they know each other very well. Ayush’s salary was lesser than her and that was the only point of compromise. She gave a second thought to it and discussed it with Ayush before taking the final decision. Ayush’s family members had a difference of opinion about Sayali’s ordinary looks but Ayush was attracted to Sayali’s simplicity and her happy and sensible nature.
Convincing both the families was the main task and that was the most difficult. Both of them faced opposition from the families but were still steady and firm about their decision. They didn’t want to marry without their family’s support. Gradually, both of them succeeded in convincing both their families for marriage and they had a proper traditional wedding. Now, they have successfully completed twelve years of their married life and are blessed with two sweet daughters. The most important thing is that the friendship is still intact and they share a jolly relationship!
In this example, you can see their maturity level. The beautiful relationship was possible only due to the matured feelings of two people (of different genders). There was no misunderstanding, disbelief or one-sided feelings in such relationship. It is rightly said that ‘you can love only once in a lifetime’. This is natural and unselfish love. It is without any show off or pressure from either sides.
True love accepts the partner with all his/her faults and flaws. Emotional attachment is very strong and physical attraction is not the only priority and hence, this love is concluded in marriage. All the decisions are taken with mutual understanding in this relationship. There is always time priority for each other, they care for each other, enjoy each other’s company and share their thoughts. All these things happen naturally and easily without any tension. There is respect for each other’s individuality and all the compromises and sacrifices are always for the sake of maintaining a long term relationship and to preserve it for life!
In spite of some differences, quarrels and tensions; emotional ties, mutual understanding and trust make the relationship very strong. On the other hand, lack of these qualities will lead to unsuccessful love, break up and divorce. These are the two paths of a relationship. Only you can decide which one to follow.
Let’s see a true expression of love by a girl –
I am unable to express my feelings for you and so I am trying to express them through this letter. We first met at Shruti’s birthday party. You were the only different person in the whole group. I liked your matured behaviour. I tried a lot to avoid your thoughts but all in vain! I am not aware about your feelings for me and don’t even bother about that. You just shared a few words with me and every time Shruti was present there. I have genuine feelings for you, but I don’t know whether it is love or something else. I don’t have any expectations from you. When you asked me for notes, I was very much thrilled. Just a small talk with you or even a glance of yours makes me happy. You may or may not have noticed it. Whatever fantasies I had about a friend or a lover, all of them are present in you. Your existence is more important for me than your looks or appearance. You participate in the quiz, you are very confident, you never interfere in other people’s matters and I like these qualities. You may or may not like my qualities. I just wanted to express my feelings for you. It’s almost six months since we met for the first time but my feelings are still same. It is said that you fall in love only once in your life time. I expect your reply. Whether it is positive or negative, my feelings will remain the same. Always remember that I am there to help you anytime, anywhere!
What is the meaning of love?
1) The relation of ‘love’ is born due to matured feelings between a boy and a girl.
2) There is no place for ego, misunderstanding, non-belief or disrespect in this relation.
3) The important thing is that it is mutual.
4) This is a natural and selfless feeling without any show off. The feelings are for only one person.
5) Love never takes place or dies because of anybody’s influence or pressure. It happens spontaneously and from the heart.
6) A person accepts the lover with all his good and bad qualities.
7) Priority is given to emotional involvement more than physical attraction.
8) Most of the time, it concludes in marriage.
9) In this relationship, both of them respect each other’s feelings, give time to each other, care for each other, respect each other’s freedom and try not to hurt each other. The assurance of the relationship is for a lifetime.
Rohan and Namrata were in the same college and are now happily married with their respective life partners. But still, they meet once or twice a month just to chat or to know about each other. They met in college in the eleventh standard and became friends. Namrata is two years younger to Rohan. When she took admission in the college, she was a little scared of this new life. Rohan was the friend of Namrata’s brother and in the first year at that time. That was the only common thread between them. Once in the college campus Rohan heard a group of boys commenting on her while she was passing by. He felt like making friendship with her and as Namrata knew him because of her brother, she had no problem for the friendship. During the college annual gathering, Rohan asked Namrata to participate in the drama and she accepted it. They used to talk during the drama practice and were very comfortable in each other’s company. It was a pure friendship without any physical attraction. At that time, Rohan liked a girl. Namrata helped him to be friendly with that girl. Teasing and leg pulling was very common between them and at the same time, they cared for each other. They even had good relations with each other’s families. It created a very strong bond of trust between them. They were aware about each other’s mental needs, were sensible and used to respect each other. That was the base for this beautiful relationship. Namrata lost her father in an accident and Rohan helped her a lot during that tough period. Namrata still carries a feeling of gratitude for Rohan. She was the witness of Rohan’s loving relationship with his girlfriend and she had also seen all the love, quarrels and tensions between them. Even after they got married to their respective partners, they continued their friendship for almost twelve years. The beauty of the relationship was in its openness. In the college or in their families, nobody ever had any doubt about it. Because of their pure love and openness everybody accompanied them in the relationship.
The difference of gender should not be a barrier in a beautiful and pure friendship. Friendship between boys and girls is always a matter of debate as it is always framed with morality. It is difficult to accept a person with his good and bad qualities and maintain the relationship but it is not impossible. If you maintain the relationship on the mental level, you can always do it.
There is a difference between friendship and just knowing each other. Accepting a person as a friend and maintaining the friendship is a long process. There should be unconditional love and good communication between both the persons. You should always think about the other person’s well being and should not hurt him or her. Genuine help and kind words are also important. Such friendship is advantageous to both; the benefits are as follows:
1) Frankness or candour (you are free to express your feelings)
2) Honesty and sincere trust and respect for each other.
3) Helping each other without any expectations.
4) Emotional support is very important at the time of any problem or calamity.
5) Should have love and concern for each other.
6) It is important to understand each other’s needs and should give space to each other.
7) Knowing and understanding each other’s thoughts and sharing.
8) The comfort level with each other should last long.
9) Gratitude for each other.
10) Enjoying life and getting satisfaction out of that.
11) Friendship means right over each other but it should be out of love, not compulsion or possessiveness.
12) Should be concerned about your friend’s well-being.
13) Should feel secured and comfortable in each other’s company.
Following things should be avoided in friendship –
- Knowing a person doesn’t mean that he or she is your friend.
- Don’t take each other for granted.
- One-sided communication.
- Communication just for business.
- Love means friendship.
- The relationship where you don’t care for each other’s feelings is not friendship.
Sometimes, love may bloom from a friendship and the relationship may take a different turn. But a serious issue here is physical or sexual contact. This thing should happen only when you are matured enough to know its consequences and can take its responsibility. At this age, you may get impressed with some flashy things and that may confuse you. It is better to make certain things clear in friendship or love as that it is good for your own future. It’s very easy to follow the dialogues from movies like “sab divare tod do’ (don’t hold any boundaries). But it is very difficult to behave in that manner. This immaturity can lead to a lifelong repentance.
So it is very important that you should understand the difference between flirting, love affairs, real love and friendship. If you are clear about it, it is easy to understand the relations and they can be developed into life enriching relationships. Developing this quality at this age will be beneficial for life. Be very clear about your choice. Everybody gets lessons from life but it is always better to take hold of your own life and avoid hassles. Conscious decisions can give you a satisfied and enriched life. By now, you must have understood your personality type and the type of physical attraction you feel for someone and how to handle it. Getting proper information is a smart choice! And you want to become smart, isn’t it?
One-sided love affair and its effects:
We must have read or watched the news of ‘murder due to one-sided love affair’ in the newspapers or TV. After reading these news items, we feel sorry temporarily but we never go beyond that as the killers are the youths. We feel angry with them or sometimes even pitiful and going a step ahead, we feel frightened if such things are not happening about our daughters.
If such events are properly considered, we can realize that falling a victim to the physical attraction and with the feeling of ‘whatever I want, I must get it and own it’, these youths under the impact of the movies and serials try to prove that if the one I love cannot become mine, he/she cannot be anybody’s’ and go to the extreme of killing someone. The girl involved in such cases gets the sympathy of everyone. But if we think appropriately about it, we realize that clap is never of one hand so even that girl also had the tender feelings about the physical attraction. Then begins the count of ‘How many boys like me?’ It leads to the boastfulness of how I can refuse the offers of the boys. Even girls feel elevated when young boys start chasing them. Then due to the impact of the friends or the movies, they behave in the self-heightened manner and respond to the boy unawares. As a reaction to that response, boys give more importance to the girls and everything reaches to that peak where the girl cannot handle it well. Then her rudeness to the boy becomes apparent and the boy who doesn’t want to digest the neglect from the girl becomes excited about it , his negative feelings become intensified and it leads to the killing of the girl. Then everybody has a lingering question: Does love mean killing the other person? Is it to be called love at all? These killings take place out of the physical attraction or burst of momentary emotions. So we have seen these four types which need to be comprehend well by everyone. Denial at a proper time and digesting that denial is in your hands.