Maintaining relations and self relationship.
Todays human being is progressing towards a variety of relationships. Irrespective of his religion,society and culture, he moves in any relationship. These relations sometimes broaden his scope and develop him and sometimes shatter him. Thus, human relationship is said to be the two sides of the same coin. As time passed by, relationships explore, needs differ, resulting into dual focus on happiness, peace, satisfaction, accompanied with stress, failure in expectation, and insecurity. When welook at the present relationships one realizes that, self centered, modern, luxurious lifestyle is the root of all this. In ancient days, a joint family, comparatively poor exposure, might have maintained the relationships intact. But today, times and resources have changed tremendously affecting the human relationships, and this effect is certainly negative and problematic.
A glimpse of the above is seen in the initial two years of martial life of Nilesh and Swapna. Swapna feels that Nilesh a pampered child of his mother, is still totally under the control of his mother. Her father-in-law in unconcerned about this matter. Swapna is irritated by numerable suggestions and expectations of her mother-in-law. Furthermore, she is shocked to know that Nilesh shares even their bedroom gossips with his mother. So though well-educated, open minded and careerist, Swapna is often annoyed, gets angry quickly and frequently threatens to leave the house and commit a suicide. Swapna’s mother, Nilesh’s sister and Swapna’s colleagues in the office have already advised Swapna and counseled her, but she refuses to heed them. As a result, she has lost tuning with all of them. All these relationships have depressed her, and she feels like quitting all the relations and stay alone.
Rahul, aged 45, is not satisfied with any of his relations. He copes up with everyone around him for a little time span and then without any significant reason, everything with everyone goes wrong. No one can understand Rahul. Hence Rahul keeps himself busy with work. At home too, he has an optimum relationship and almost no attachment with his kids and wife. He is always in a search of new relations, tending to be highly dynamic, unstable and dissatisfied.
Suhasini, a young girl of 22, just post-graduated but disturbed a lot. She does exactly nothing, and has no coordination with her family. She always argues and disagrees with her friends, has had 3-4 breakups, totally frustrated and cannot adjust with anyone. She constantly complaints that others don’t understand her, they are confined to themselves, hence does not want to waste and share time with them. This makes her strained and keeps thinking about extreme / critical situations.
Good looking, 28 years old, well-educated and highly talented Vrushali has her own Dance Academy, in which 100-150 students learn dance. Though she has just a year of her married life, she is totally unsatisfied. Her relationship is uncomfortable with all, her parents, siblings, husband, colleagues and friends. Considerable arguments, verbal fights and misunderstandings that occur regularly, have affected her and made her sick. She is tired of adapting with all of them. She curses the existing life style, competitive world, the system and everything that she can blame. Her reserved husband, nods to whatever she says, resulting in to extreme dominant nature of Vrushali. To summarize, both are under frustration.
Mrs. Mandakini is now retired. Throughout her life, she has earned for the family, taken care of the house, raised the kids all alone. Today, her son is married since last 4 months and stays independently. She has had a detached relationship with her parents, relatives, colleagues. Her wavelength matched with none. After her daughter’s wedding, and the separate stay of her son, she is depressed. She has no one to assist, feels lonely and helpless. She has no one with whom she can share her thoughts, and gossip and even help. In spite of repenting for all this, she still blames all of them.
All the above are illustrative examples. Many such examples and characters can be put forth. The pictures has not changed since eras, centuries and years, irrespective of the geographical area, towns and villages. The complexity of the relations and relationship is the same to a certain extent everywhere. Though, awareness of relationship exists and the fact that the relations have to be carried on , handling them is always a puzzle. Tackling the relations becomes a herculean task and no one is excluded from its side effects.
Relation and relationships are the base of all our lives. We do everything based on these base. These relations are classified in to two types viz blood relations and close relations that are inevitable and unavoidable, the other, relations created as per our wish, choice, profession etc. Close relations include family members, father, mother, brother, sister, uncle, aunt and after marriage husband, mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law etc. All these relations are good with respect to security, love, caring, and personal interests. But when all these relations come along with burden of expectations, misunderstanding, communication gap, tension and stress, negative feelings are inculcated and the same relations turn into botheration and results into torture.
From where does such a negativity come from? We always maintain these relations through a specific role entitled to us. This implies, the daughter-in-law observes her mother-in-law only form the point of view of a mother-in-law and her husband as a husband. Similarly, in every relation, one considers the other only with the role allotted. Hence, every role has its own rules. For example, mother-in-law always suggests her daughter-in-law about the ideology that she has, which she feels will be beneficial to the daughter-in-law, and if the daughter-in-law refuses to obey her suggestions and follows what she feels is the best, then the daughter-in-law she is stamped with not being ideal. However, if the daughter-in-law is looked upon as a human being genuinely, the flexibility of the rules to be obeyed might expand, decreasing the negativity. This is a worth implementing thought, but difficult to implement, as since childhood, we are cultured to handle the relationships along with the roles that are associated with them. However, considering an individual, excluding his role, is excluded and this is the root cause of handling and maintaining the relations.
The ancient period neither had Television, computers, nor did it had social and cultural activities as of today, Obviously, to maintain relations, the presence of people in the surroundings was an absolute necessity. Exchange of thoughts, ideas, was the only communication tool available. Hence relations were given the utmost importance. Today, TV, books, Internet, mobile, cinema many cultural and art oriented programmes, variety of competitions, reality shows and most important, the contribution of a women at a professional level, has relatively changed all the relations. Unfortunately, this fact is not well accepted by the society. However, it is still denied that the need of a relationship and its boundaries have changed. All the luxurious life style along with the traditional bonded relations of husband-wife, in laws etc is required. However, as mentioned above, the second type of relations which are created and maintained are those with our own choice, need, supportive to the profession, hobby or sometimes even just for a time pass. This include friends, kitty parties, women’s club, Readers board, theater activists, groups in the neighboring areas, professional colleagues who bring about a variety in our relations. Even today, handling the inevitable blood relations is headache and problematic. Carrying on all such relations resembles to helplessness in relationships or just mechanically carrying on them. In some relations, this carrying on can be done with an ease. On the contrary, self created relations do not have all these bindings and so the daily stress of a relationship is comparatively low and at this point is where the comparison of relationships commences. Consequently, one keeps busy in the relations that are self created rather than blood related.
The most important part of all this is, we are dependent on the blood related, inevitable relations. When these relations give us happiness, pleasure, facilities, support we want these relations, but when these relations expect pleasure, facilities, support from us, then after a certain limit, these relations bother us. A firm attitude develops in one’s mind that the related people who would be in trouble due to relation are far more better than the relation that bothers. To conclude, dependency is the core of complexity in human life. This dependency induces tension or strained relationship. It is a fundamental fact that every life depends on other life but for a mankind, it is realized that conceptual and emotional dependency is one sided. This is what man calls as a burden of expectations and while playing the entitled role, the rules to be obeyed, add additional strain on relations.
Apart from all this, it is necessary to find out how strongly is one bounded to himself? If this vital relation to oneself, itself is unknown, how it cannot be strong? As the entire life is spent on carrying on the relations and maintaining them, when does one have time to look at himself, his relation to himself, be aware of this relation and care for it? The weak relationship with oneself is responsible for the stress while handling all the other relations which have to be maintained, but unfortunately, it is potsherd on other relations. Many would sneer on this issue, but does this mean being selfish? The answer is YES! Basically, we blindly attempt to satisfy our greed. Only when the attempt fails, we curse and finger at others. Being visionary or selfish means trying to know your self and achieving happiness, pleasure, satisfaction, love, respect, faith, praise within ourselves and honestly trying to do so is the first step towards carrying on any relation and then thinking about others is equally important. Being responsible for oneself, for all the events in his/ her life and no one else is responsible for it, accepting all the ideological and emotional circumstances honestly and properly managing them will ease the unwanted, additional stress in relationships.
Most of the times, we criticize some people for being self centered, egocentric, and paying almost no attention to others. But actually, these are the people busy in their own happy world. While shouldering all the responsibilities, and prioritizing all personal likes and dislikes, privacy, friends and relatives don’t even consider or attend them. But we feel very irritated with this. This irritation is due to jealously. We are tensed with the feel, that, we cannot perform like her/ him, she/he gives no importance to me and behaves the way she / he wants is what really disturbs us. The truth is, we are unable to understand, his own relation with himself. The highest priority must be to create a firm and strong relation, care for it and lead a happier life with oneself. “Under all the circumstances, I am important” must be the mantra too be followed every now and then.