- She, aged 22, gang raped in a bus, country wide agitation, her death…!!
- She, six years old, raped by her own grand father and then murdered by pressing her throttle…!!
- She, 19 years female, raped under Police custody and she hanged herself..!!
- She, 32 years old, married, enmity in her castes results in gang rape, and her life is in a harry…!!
- Many such “SHE”s victim of a rape and life shattered and dejected..
One of the above ‘she’ was with me for counseling. A comfortably off house, husband in a good company, ill mother-in-law well looked after and cared for, by her, 5 year old daughter, working part time in a nearby beauty parlor, gave a first impression of “ALL IS WELL”. But she was unhappy, dissatisfied and under depression. She was with me to find out the cause of this depression. When she began, she took a promise from me that her husband would never know about this because ‘she’ was very much scared of him. Though he does not get angry with her, hit her, put any restrictions on her, since last 10 years he has not torso said with her. He leaves for his office in the morning and returns at night. He never takes leave, so no movies or stage plays, hotelling or going out. However in the morning, at breakfast, he daily taunted her with “You are silly, you don’t have brains, all women are foolish like you, you can do nothing, I am cheated “etc. Actually, all the household responsibilities, festivals and celebrations are well observed by her, but he ignores all this, instead takes her granted for carrying out all these duties, and warns he would kick her out of the house, if she fails to do so. Hence, she is left with no alternative, but to have some fun and enjoy life with her friends. She has a male friend too. But her husband has no objection even to this male friend. To add he has never had a free mind to talk to her parents or her siblings in last ten years. Whenever, they came he either went out or went to bed. In case, she pointed to the subject of divorce, he used to get angry. Due to this, she was under huge mental impasse. As a result, their sexual relationship was damaged from the first. According to her, the reason was, before marriage their relations were good but after marriage, he suddenly stopped intimacy with her. She did not know what was her mistake in this.
After hearing all this when I asked her, if she was contented with whatever she did for her husband, she burst out and started narrating, “To be honest, after marriage, I myself, did not allow my husband to be close with me, as at the tender age of five, I was raped by a well identified person five to six times. I never shared this with any one, any time; perhaps my parents would have treated me as if I was the culprit. My father is very sensitive to such matters. When I began with my menstrual cycle at the age of 12, my mother almost yelled at me, sayings henceforth stay away from boys. After ‘that’ incident, hatred towards boys and males increased. I and my sister, both were under the surveillance of my father and brother. Hence I could not talk about ‘that’ incidence to anyone. Obviously, after marriage I had tremendous hatred for my husband. So when he used to come closer, I used to be restless. I was ashamed of and disgusted about body. Elaboration of parents regarding sex and the childhood incidence, both these affected my mind to such an extent, that though I wished to love my husband, I could not do so and am depressed with this feel. I need help to get out of this.“
The moral is, since childhood, under the name of rites, sexual suppression has made a negative effect and this continues from ages to ages. When the children are in the age of blooming and grooming, giving a negative turn to sexual attraction means performing rites on the minds of them, is a firm misunderstanding. This rite involves the darker side and bad emotions. For example fear for an individual of opposite gender, faugh, hatred, insecurity and the discussions of the bad effects of it like rape, molestation, abduction, abortion. But its positive side, veracious, complete and scientific knowledge, its significance in our life, replying to the queries posed by the innocent children is never considered for discussion in our homes. Until a girl is married, she has to be protected “sexually” and one day suddenly she has to enter in to a man’s life and this adjustment is a ritual that’s followed today.
The incidence of Damini being raped, followed by her death made a havoc everywhere. Actually, the event of a rape is an unfortunate incidence since the past. But what are the reasons behind it? To which level of the society do raped girls and ladies belong to? With what intention does a rapist do it? After the incidence, how do the victimized girls and ladies spend their life? All these questions are raised and one has a feeling of sympathy, compassion, eagerness, helplessness for the victim and hatred, anger, dislike, and unbridled fury for the rapist. But then discussion of who is wrong in such a situation and who is responsible for the event begins. The male that does a rape or the circumstances that compel and support rape or the female herself or the parents of the victim or the entire society itself is responsible for the incidence.
Rape is certainly an offensive and unfortunate event so along with the question of, if the rapists have to be hanged or should face a rigorous imprisonment, a question regarding how to rehabilitate the victim on the social and emotional fronts. We then focus all our attention on what to do after the event occurs. But no one thinks about the preventive measures to be taken to avoid such an incidence because, sexuality is the underlying subject related to it and under the name of tradition, we, to the best, increase the negativity of it
Since early childhood or childhood, when a kid touches his or her sexual organs out of anxiety or just for fun, he / she is emphasized that it is bad and this creates a negativity about that organ since his / her early age. And later consistently, till children reach their adolescence, if he is a boy, he is told to stay away from girls and if she is a girl, it is taken into granted that she cannot have any sort of relation with any boy and parents create a negative association, indicating “ Opposite gender implies danger”. This results in to tremendous anxiety about sexuality, insufficient or half knowledge about it, and lack of guidance consequencing in to emotions of love and attraction to be converted to unhealthy and detrimental feelings exploring in the form of rape.
In the minds of a girl too, parents emphasize a lot of negativity about boys and the opposite gender and hence the victim already has an ictus but unfortunately parents too have high negativity within them and hence they too are shattered with the event. The victim not only faces rape but also lot of insult, shattering of the delicate and positive emotions related to sexuality, a shame of displaying the physique, and hatred. In the lives of everyone, adolescence is the period of turning from a kid to an adult, and it is this period when one experiences an attraction and anxiety of the opposite gender. From this develops a natural feeling of love towards a boy or girl or of opposite gender. Nowadays the need of girl friend and boy friend has aroused from it. Parents have accepted and welcomed this new concept. But the fundamental negativity related to sexuality is still the same. Hence parents are more insecure about it. Parents are still unaware about how to impart correct and accurate knowledge about sexuality. Hence parents are in a confused state and not free in handling this subject. Though they try their best in making their wards understand the concepts related to sexuality, they usually fail. And when events like rape occur, they get a valid and timely reason to blame girls and focus on the negativity of emotions in boys.
But how many parents openly talk about, what is a rape, under what conditions does it occur, who can rape, is a thought provoking question. To worsen the matter more, the government has decided not to impart sex education. The intention behind this is not known, but it would certainly not be incorrect if it is said that it is this rotten feeling about sexuality in the society, which is the root cause. Imparting sex education means providing license related to sex and that children are bound to misuse it is a firm distrust in the minds of society but as a counselor, when we give accurate, precise and significant information related to sex, they often explore themselves. We experience that they often clear their doubts, queries and negativities.
Every individual, a man or a woman has the same feeling of sexuality, but if the sexuality is healthy or negative depends on how he / she outflows those feelings. When these negative feelings or negativity reaches its culmination and a male finds no solution to outflow it, he hunts his quarry and outflows his feelings in an unhealthy way irrespective of the thought that, the female belongs to which class, and his only goal becomes to satisfy his lust and he rapes. There is no courteous thought behind, thought by the man.
It is necessary to note that along with food, clothing and shelter, sexuality too is the basic need. Hence, the feeling we would get, if we do not get food when we are hungry or get food after a long time, or we get abundant food when we are starving, is similar to that of sexuality. If the appropriate outflow of the sexual feelings is not taught, it may lead in to eruption.
Today, the youth are on the street for agitation, in protest of Damini, because they say, “We are confused about sexuality, we need proper guidance, we need answers to our queries, e want to create a dismay regarding rape in the minds of all and make our future secure”. Though their violence was criticized, what they meant to say was not understood even by the Prime Minister. The cause behind all this is no one dares to speak about sex or sexuality openly and frankly.
In the Indian society, the mystery and secrecy of sexuality is responsible for similar incidences. If our system is successful in giving a healthy outlook towards sexuality to girls and boys since their childhood, the number of such incidences would certainly reduce. Now is the time to talk about sexuality freely and frankly, and impart sex education to parents and their children.
Till date, deficient and perverted knowledge about sex was obtained from movies, advertisements and obscene magazines. As mentioned earlier, literally such media of information is very popular. The Youth –friendly urge of having sex is not naturally satisfied and hence it is obvious that such resources are in demand. Therefore, to sow the seeds of, an intensive, scientific, free and positive outlook regarding sex in all the levels of society is the most essential need today. Unfortunately, our politicians, communists, thinkers and litterateurs have made fun of this subject, not been serious about its importance and the entire society is facing its consequences.
Hence, what does “she” want to do? Whom does she want to talk to? Whose help does she need? are the questions still unanswered. Under such circumstances, no one helps her. Hence it is now the time to develop and form a positive and healthy aspect regarding sexuality and accurate knowledge about it in the society.
Psychiatrist / Counselor are the ways to help ‘her’. To get her out of those incidents and establish a harmonious relationship with her husband is possible. To develop positive, healthy and optimistic attitude, it is necessary to note the following:-
- It must be accepted that apart from food, clothing and shelter, sexuality is also a fundamental and natural need.
- Accept the fact that in tender age curiosity about sex, attraction towards the gender of opposite sex is obvious, inborn and natural.
- The questions posed by young children must be answered in the language understood by them and for it parents must be trained first, they should get rid of the blocks related to sexuality and develop a healthy and positive attitude.
- When children cannot control their sexual emotions, instead of scolding them or putting restrictions on them, help them to outflow them. For example, inform about masturbation to boys as well as girls, talk to them about the cleanliness and privacy associated with it.
- When it is noted that children watch blue-films, porno films, porno magazines, books or photos, instead of giving them a feeling of peccant, discuss with them and give them the idea about fantasy , disgust and the facts.
- Get self informed about the sexuality of a man and woman with a free mind and discuss the same with children.
- It is necessary to discuss about rape with girls, kidnap, abortion, molestation, teasing, marriage and when the need be an expertise individual must be called for training.
It is necessary to train the parents about the question they face regarding how to and what to talk to their wards about sexuality. It is necessary to handle the negativity and bashfulness related to sex, in the minds of parents, by an expertise. Unless parents are enable to handle this subject, their wards are bound to be in a state of confusion and they would not get the support and guidance related to it. As mentioned earlier, as a counselor, the following points must be thought of and taken care of, while taking preventive measures
- It is essential to know the emotions and scientific knowledge related to sex to accept that sexuality is very natural and a necessary need.
- It is necessary to have an open talk between the parents and their wards, teachers and the children that involves anxiety, curiosity and attraction related to sex rather than suppressing them under the label of rite. It is necessary to understand them rather than making them understand it.
- Parents, teachers and social workers should find out if they have any negativity of sex within themselves, focus on it, study its root cause and reduce the intensity of the negativity through proper training.
- It is necessary for parents and teachers to avoid sentences that imply fright while talking to girls, especially issues like, dress suitably, avoid talking to males, be at home before dark, and avoid rapport with boys are prominently to be considered. The preventive measures taken as a result of the insecurity may focus more negativity about it.
- It is necessary to train in their teenage itself that would make them understand the natural aspects of a female (feminity) and man (masculinity) and respect and accept them.
- Discussions regarding keeping red chilly powder, learning Taekwondo, hiding a small knife in the purse are carried on, but when the real need arises, if one fails to make the best possible use of them, it is useless. Hence it is necessary to use these effective tools only after studying the psychology of a woman behind the rape or molestation and the psychology of a man behind it. This principally involves lot of affright which has to be mainly taken care.
- It is necessary to note, by all the individuals belonging to all levels of the society, that by putting off the entire responsibility on the government, law and order and the police, and by pretending to be sleepy, and when such an event occurs, raising a movement of protest, blaming the administration, sympathizing the victim, expressing intense anger towards the atrocious, will certainly not solve the problem. Government, Law and order and Police are a supportive mechanism. The Government and Police cannot play any magic. Merely changing the law and severely punishing the culprit would not change the mentality of the society and hat of an individual. It is necessary to implement the triune of studying the subject of sexuality deeply, obtaining training and practice about it .