You are the creator of your life
Mrudul had just completed her graduation in Home science and got engaged. Her groom was handsome with handsome pay. It was not at all necessary for Mrudul to be employed. Mrudul too enjoyed staying at home, decorating the house, cooking delicious food for friends and relatives rather than being employed. Mrudul was very happy as all these dreams would now be true. But after her marriage, she soon realized that neither can she do anything of her own nor do her in-laws and husband care for her opinions or views in any matters. Due to this, Mrudul was disappointed.
Yogesh, is now on the threshold of settling in life. He has lot of expectations from life; he views many dreams about it. But he is upset as he did not succeed in the exams as he expected.
Kedar, is extremely soft hearted and introvert. He is very intelligent, has gained fame in his school academics. He got a job in a good company through campus interview. He frequently feels that while working, in meetings, his thoughts are not valued by good colleagues and senior authorities. He feels hurted. Nowadays, in several cases he prefers to keep mum rather than expressing the views.
Mrs. Joshi in the neighborhood is highly educated. Her children are equally intelligent. She gave higher priority to the education of the children and took utmost care of them. Till date, the days flew away happily, keeping her busy with their classes, school, and household responsibilities. Now her children are settled in their lives, everything is fine but Mrs. Joshi does not seem to be happy as she was earlier. Nowadays she feels a vacuum in her life. She utters that now nobody needs me, my life has no motive.
I never succeed in my life… Something odd always happens in my life… Nobody listens to me… Everybody takes me for granted… I toil day and night at home but no one cares for it… life has become meaningless… my life is useless… such thoughts often curb in to the mind. Such thoughts make an individual very sad, helpless, feel sorry for themselves, or sometimes it makes irritated, worried and depressed towards life. In such circumstances, we always curse the circumstances and the other people. When the other people and the circumstances change, we will be happy, contented and can live our life with pleasure is what we feel.
According to the scientist William Glasser, our life is a chain of the options that we have selected. It is natural to be disappointed or have a complex for the time being when we fail in any exam. But then does this mean, we will always be a victim of failure? Considering ourselves good-for-nothing, unworthy of being educated and in the future behaving on the basis of this consideration is but our choice. Let us now see from the above examples, how we are responsible for our decisions and goals.
We face a breach of trust in any relation, so we do not trust anybody, do not involve in anyone, maintain a distance in behavior, in some cases displace the anger with other relations, is but our decision.
Many house makers fall prey to this. At home, the in-laws, husband do not care for their opinion, nothing takes place as per their choice, so they naturally feel helpless, sorry and sad. To keep everyone at home happy, a house maker chooses to keep aside her desires, her likes-dislikes, her happiness, and her career. She does so happily initially because she believes in giving happiness to all. But after sometime, everybody takes her granted and behaves as if it is assumed that she has to give up her desires, like-dislikes, happiness and career. When this is assumed then she feels upset. She then realizes that for the sake of the happiness of others, she has sacrificed many of her personal qualities but nobody has cared for it. Somebody should understand this, should think about her happiness and desires is what she wishes. Out of the ten occurrences, if I adjust nine times, at least for a single time, somebody should think about me, is what she feels. But it is our choice, to sacrifice our desires, likes-dislikes for the sake of happiness of others. But when the consequences of the choice are seen, we feel restless. We blame others. We curse the circumstances. Further, we imprudently think that others should guess our desires and likes-dislikes and behave accordingly. When a decision is taken and the in-laws and husband express their views in a specific matter, not expressing our view but accepting whatever decision is taken is our choice. Gradually, all others also accept this choice of ours. After sometime, suddenly if we express our views, they are not accepted. We just feel unnoticed. Firstly, due to the suppression of our desires, hopes, likes-dislikes, we are factually unhappy and secondly with the scooping of thoughts that nobody cares for me, inspite of our sacrifice of all of the above. We fail to trace our own mistake. As a result, we become short-tempered, aggressive or fall prey to some mental disorder.
Though the above illustration considers a home maker, it is applicable to all.
Of course, not all of us are aware of the choice of our decisions. In such cases, most of the times we tend to avoid the responsibility of the circumstances. Hence we prefer being sad and helpless. To obtain sympathy and help from others we unknowingly choose this option.
This means if we fail while doing a task, then the resulting sadness, irritation is very natural and spontaneous. But caressing the same sadness and later not daring to carry on any complex task, feeling scared of taking a decision is but our choice. Furthermore, due to the scared feeling we don’t risk anything. We do not listen to our mind and hence we factually do not succeed. We cannot experience the satisfaction in living and working.
Another self lookouts are as follows
“ Have you looked at that Tanu in our neighborhood, she shows talent in studies, dance, drawing but you just want to play and wish to be a cricketer”
“That Swati is almost same as your age, she cooks delicious food, while your rotis take the form of the maps of some countries in the globe”
Just heard these statements a day before yesterday and few thoughts cropped in the mind. Suddenly the door bell rang. When I opened the door, I found my school friend Madhavi standing at the door with pale face, dark circles around her eyes, and also appeared weak. I shocked to see her. Was she the same Madhavi, full of laughter, very talkative, confident, always pursuing a dream of being a popular dancer?
While offering her a cup of tea, we began chitchatting with each other. We had been meeting after a long gap. To be precise, first time after our marriage. Madhavi questioned me, how I was able to manage my household chores and still be a professional counselor. I she thought I must be very tired. I agreed that I do feel tired but then my family members help me. I am able to do both of these only due to their support. She also added that unless the family members help, we cannot do everything. She too was helped by her family members. While I was listening to her, I realized that though she said that she was helped by her family members, her body language, her eyes were full of tears, suggesting something different. While chitchatting she suddenly burst in to tears. I offered her a glass of water and asked her what the matter was. I confided her that she can share with me without any hesitation. She then expressed herself saying, that she was unaware, why nowadays she was unable to perform a single task well, she often committed mistakes and hence has lost her interest in doing anything. She often has disputes with her husband related to this issue. She does not have a sound relation with her mother-in-law. Her sister-in-law is ever ready to detect faults in her work. All often taunt her. Further, even her kids do not obey her. The kids comment that their mother keeps irritating them. She did not know what was wrong with herself, what is making her commit mistakes, why is she losing interest in everything. Sometimes she felt that she was suffering from a mental disorder. After discussing the matter for a long time with her, I got a clarification that she had developed such a strong inferiority complex about herself, as she was being compared with her family members, relatives that she had totally lost her self-confidence. In an attempt to be like all of them, she had lost her own personal identity.
Many times, our parents and other relatives directly or unknowingly compare us with others since childhood. It may be that the underlying motive the parents have behind it is that their kids also perform something good, nice and grand. But the motive conveys the meaning, that if I do not be like him/her, I am nowhere and good-for- nothing and with this belief and habit, we grow up. As we are always being compared with others, we too start watching ourselves from the others point of view and keep trying to be like them. This manifests in ourselves the negative feelings like feelings of inferiority complex, lack of self-confidence, irritation, frustration, confusion, restlessness and the intensity of these increases day by day. This gives stress to us. Consequently, we forget our talents and skills. We forget the “me’ within ourselves, feel frustrated and insecure all the time and are likely to fall prey to depression.
Every individual is different because we carry these different traits in ourselves everywhere. Without being affected with the comparison and stress, if we look after our personal traits, care of the talents and skills within us, we can certainly prove our independent existence in any domain. It is necessary to look at us using ‘Our’ own view rather than other’s perspective.