Those were the winter days of December… the surroundings were frost and I was clouded with the increasing thoughts of death. I was engrossed in planning about where to go? how to die? how to bear the pain? etc.
I was really put forth by a question, when I was in the seventh standard and studied the tale, “For what does man live?” After studying that story also, I was not satisfied much. I wondered, “Why do we really survive?” My financial condition at home was bad, being diabetic since childhood; I failed to understand the significance of my life. Then began the dream journey to my death. It is said that “Sweet are the memories of childhood”, but I never had any such memories. A little bit of progress in studies was what I remember. My parents wanted a baby boy, but I turned up to be a girl, hence they paid least attention towards me. Instead of any appraisal, my life was just a carry on type. The college atmosphere was magical. I enjoyed the environment but the question, “Why to live?”was still unanswered. I used to discuss it with my friends to some extent. I was surprised by the zeal of others to survive. After knowing the family anecdotage of some friends, I often thought, why and on what basis are all of them bearing the pain? Why to suffer? However, I was answered by no one.
Then I met an elderly friend, experienced than me. His enthusiasm was mountainous. He had a keen interest in social work. Then I dared to talk to him about this. But he almost treated me like a kid. He made a list of the talents that I had and the things that I could do in my life. I was helpless once again. While facing all the pain, my idea about career was clear and hence there was no gap in my education. But what’s the use of being educated and having a career? was what I kept thinking. I met a fast friend while I was pursing my Post Graduation. I felt, she was totally different, different because she introduced me to various aspects of life. For example: I understood that there are different aspects for living, by developing rapport with nature, and having exotic tittle-tattles. But why to do this? was what I sentimented. Later, differences with her, that resulted in to the breaking up of friendship depressed me and after experiencing the darker edges of relations, the affinity to death rapidly increased. That was the time, when I felt, if I die then I will get rid of all the shriek, and bad experiences. While considering the thought of Why should I tolerate this suffering?, I was facing many challenges in life and I was eager to overcome them as I felt, it would be worth embracing death while risking all this. So I ventured for my job to Bangalore, all alone to a unknown province, with the language I did not know, the people that were not mine and the job that involved psychological counseling for the mentally disturbed patients. While shifting, I felt nothing but when I practically saw the severe condition of the patients, I was certain that I must die. How can an individual be motivated under such circumstances?
That was the moment when I decided to commit a suicide. One day, quitting from my afternoon shift, I got out of the institute without informing any one. I was sacred a lot in my mind. The fear was if am not dead and half alive, I would be ashamed of living, but still I dared and began walking towards the road that had heavy traffic. However as expected, not a single vehicle dashed me. I was in tears, could not understand why such a thing occurred? Then after it was too dark, returned to my institute. In the institute, all were worried about me and I was scolded badly. I felt sad as I had to lie to them and could not share it with any one. I was awake all the night. I was happy about my daring and ashamed of my failure. When I gave a thought to it, I was shocked when I realized that I was equally eager to survive. Then I dared to inform and share about this to my Guru . She understood all my feelings and easily accepted all thoughts that came to my mind. She trusted that I could have such feelings. I hence felt a bit relieved, but after eight days, history kept on repeating. I could not find the solution to my problem.
Then I decided to further discuss with my Guru, and she gave me a book of OSHO. I began reading it, and to my surprise, I could find ME within myself, and when I understood that I am the creator of myself and that my existence had a significance, I felt different. But unfortunately, when I focused on ME within myself, I could see myself contaminated. I was frustrated with the thought that how shit I was? what did I have? I was all alone in the world and realized all my negativities. This gave rise to intense internal pain and I was under depression.
In the meantime, as I was of the age of getting married, family members started discussing about my wedding and I was rejected by grooms. My mental suffering increased. An OK guy agreed to marry me. So though I was not much eager to get married, the feeling that after getting married I would free myself from the clutches of my parents, made me agree to get married with this boy. But I met with a misfortune there too. I was accepted neither by my husband nor any of his family members. I merely felt helpless. I was certain and sure to commit a suicide. Accordingly, I decided to jump from Sinhagad. So I went there, but exactly at that time, the fort was so crowded that anyone could have saved me, so I had to return with no option left.
Though I had an intense desire to end up life, why I am not able to do so, made me feel angry with myself. Then I realized that my planning was not perfect. I was crazy planning day and night. How to die? What will people feel after my death? I started by hearting the dialogues in my mind. Accordingly, I started taking steps towards this goal. To conclude, I realized that nobody would be affected by my death and felt better. I did not want any one to be in pain because of my death. At the same time, a young girl, of 19, fantasizing death like me, came to me for help. My help was to help her to die. I was happy in my mind as I thought this was a golden and admirable opportunity. Her planning was more advanced than mine. She knew places where drugs were sold. She informed me about some drugs that when taken at night would assure death the next day, under any circumstances. Obviously, she was totally unaware of my planning. But she guided me to a definite route. But how would I visit that place, was the main question I had. The thought, what if I was caught by the Police, again snatched away my happiness. I also came to know that her planning too had failed.
Day by day, anger and hatred for myself, did not allow me to stay calm. I kept fantasizing death. When I read about the people who committed suicide, I envied them. How easily did they escape life was what I felt jealous of. I used to read such news with deep interest, as a result, I felt and was assured that “Death” was certainly under my control.
I had a major setback during this period due to the death of my mother due to Cancer. Doctor had informed us that her cancer was totally curable. But only because of strong affinity to death, she did not response to any of the treatments given to her. I could clearly see my dear mother dying. Once again I felt sad, helpless and my desire to die intensified. I realized, I am really all alone in the world. So I changed my path to death. I discovered, being a patient of Juvenile Diabetes, if I eat sweets consistently for 8-10 days, I can easily die. I was diabetic since last 30 years, and took no treatment for it. My sugar levels were always 300 to 400 and when Doctors would scare me saying that I would soon die, I would be extremely happy and be more adamant towards treatment. But unfortunately, my diabetes did not bother me a lot. So I realized, it too, was of no use.
I then rechanged my way to suicide. When I had been to picnic to Mahabaleshwar, I found a point, from where I could jump and easily die. I started planning more firmly. This time I gave an idea to people around me about what I would be doing, but all of them made fun of it and no one believed me. I was satisfied and felt they would trust me when I die. On that day, I kept my mobile, house-keys at home and left my house with some money. I reached directly to that point at 3 pm, in Mahabaleshwar by bus in such a way that no one would be suspicious. The place was quiet and I was relived with the feeling that I can jump without any interruption. But suddenly, when I reached the spot, crowd of people visited the spot. I had no option but to hide myself. It was night, dark and the area was deserted. I came towards the point. I was glad that the dream that I had been dreaming for so many years would now be fulfilled. But I was also afraid, if I was seen by any one by mistake. But there was no one. My heart started pumping fast till I reached the final point and did not know what happened. Suddenly I realized something is incomplete in life, and unless it was completed I could not die. Once again, cursing myself, and in tears, I walked 3-4 Km in the dark and reached the city.
Once again I could see my dream shattering into pieces. I was angry with the feel that being alive is a part of my destiny. The hatred towards life still increased. In the meantime, I talked to my psychiatrist friend and I was nerved from top to bottom with the insight he gave me. Narrating him about all the attempts I made to die, he said, ” I had been ignoring myself since childhood to such an extent that I had assumed, my birth itself was a negative aspect for me and hence misunderstood that I am being rejected my others. However, my graph of success was worth noting, and I had totally ignored it.” These words of him acted like a magical wand and all my attitude towards life changed, I got solution to all my questions. He further added, “Why did I loose the instinct to live? Because I never got true love, affection from any one. May be I did get it, but I rejected it and hence was fantasizing death.” With these words, I could visualize all the truth. I lost all the charm in my life as I rejected the person, who loved me since last 5 years, and treated me as part of his life. I realized my mistake, the satisfaction in accepting the person who loved me, the fantasy in living life and this wonderful experience put a permanent end to my journey to death. Obviously, with this realization, I also realized I never got true love from my father since childhood and hence unknowingly the person who loved me bridged up this gap. My heart which longed for loving guardians was now contented. The balloon of negativity in my mind bursted.
I traced the root cause of the thoughts of death in my mind. It not only ended the hatred towards life but also made me realize the relish of life. The tender concomitance given by that person, the effluence of my emotions made me respect the loving person and my life in a unique manner. It gave satisfactory answers to all my questions like, what is life? what is the zeal of survival? and most importantly, why does a man live? what is his motivation? and thus the restlessness of my mind came to an end.
When I revert myself to this journey, I feel it was a drollery, I feel sad, and curious too. Because my mind was full of the outlook that life must be filled with recreational events and happy incidents, I was not prepared to accept sad encounters. Therefore, when I came across bad events, death is the only way to escape this, is what I used to think.
But sometimes, my mind only blinks with the thought of ending up my life and I am not that scared of death and the ideology is death may come at any moment. This entire journey has made me understand that living life and dying, both are equally beautiful. They are the two sides of the same coin. It is a special fun to know life on the journey towards death. I have had a full cognizance of it. As a psychiatrist, all these positive and negative experiences have been advantageous to me and I must admit that it gives me immense joy while helping others.